party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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