I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
