Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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