That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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