The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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