you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
