good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
soo... how was my night?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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