OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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