i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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