Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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