Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
soo... how was my night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
