He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
