Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
