if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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