How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Farmville is her only friend.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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