I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
