i don't like sucking hair
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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