Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize