I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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