I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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