Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
