She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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