one word: firstdatebathroomanal
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
