i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
