He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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