I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
