you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
