I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
