we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
