Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
