If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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