a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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