it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
