Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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