i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize