He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
