this just has baby written all over it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
