every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
