Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
