And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
