I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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