Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I had to cum in my sink.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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