I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we're making bets on your personal life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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