she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
