two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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