I think I am morally bankrupt
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
