When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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