neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
