I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
