i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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