bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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