yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
