She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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