So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
