He asked to "fluff my boner.."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
