I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
